the fyrehaus

Pete Doherty has apparently hired himself a personal trainer and has been seen jogging around London.

Pete, at the end of last year (known by the soubriquet 2007), had been spotted running on the streets of London. This seemed to contradict his reputation as a self-destructive junkie, but also conform to his image as a contrarian sort who would never do anything you’d expect him to.

This conundrum is only put into greater relief by today’s news, as reported by the estimable The Goss column in the Daily Star, that Pete has hired himself a personal trainer in the way of, say, an investment banker who’s reached the age of 30 and realises that they may have money and the perfect house in Fulham but their body is the equivalent of the slops from a fishmonger’s floor.

Reports the Goss: “Pete is so serious about getting fit - with plans that include running the London Marathon - he sees a personal trainer called Jess six days a week.

“Our mole said: ‘Peter works out with Jess every day [Pete observes the Zoroastrian six-day week]. They run together, do weights and three times a week work out with Pilates moves.’”

With all that exercise going on, how will he fit in the smack?

You know, if he can kick smack and get in shape, can’t we all?

Click over to see further updates about Amy Winehouse and her tan, and Lily Allen who fucking hates text speak.

No, not that pregnancy. (Though, for the record: this is why abstinence-only education does. not. work.)

Lily Allen is reportedly pregnant, and the father is Chemical Brother Ed Simons. The prospective parents are thrilled. Since they’ve only been together since September and there’s a 15 year age gap, I can’t see how these two crazy kids won’t make it work.

ETA: Sarah has done the math, and with Lily being 12 weeks gone, Ed must have shot and scored the first time out or something.  37 years old and hasn’t mastered the use of condoms? Attention famous people: you CAN get pregnant the first time, and contraception is not that hard to manage. 50 Cent says condoms are cool.

Fall Out Boy’s Joe Trohman has publically said that Ashlee Simpson is no Yoko, as the gossip rags would have you believe. Which most of my friends probably already knew. The fun part is further down:

Pete Wentz has previously gone on record to bemoan the lack of Grammy nominations for Fall Out Boy at the end of a successful year (one which saw them produce a video so chock-full of product placement there was barely any room for anything else), insisting that the “50-year-old white man” who decided the shortlist couldn’t understand their music. The American edition of OK magazine subsequently carried hints that the lack of attention from the Academy had been designed to punish Wentz’s girlfriend for lip-synching. No, really.

The possibility that the lack of critical acclaim may be more to do with Wentz being no Lennon than Simpson being an Ono has yet to filter through.

Led Zepplin fans everywhere were elated that they JUST MIGHT do a reunion tour on the heels of their wildly successful concert in London. Their little hearts have been crushed because. . . Alison Krauss is the new Yoko Ono.

Yes, Alison and Robert Plant are going to tour to support their album, like you do, which pretty much nixes a possibility of a Led Zep tour in 2008. Leading to complete wankery, flamery, and hilarity on the interwebs, as summarized in the Guardian:

“Others likened Alison to a Yoko Ono figure in keeping the band apart.” Sadly and somewhat inevitably, the fans have started to turn on each other, perhaps already rattled by the sight of LZ reunion clips disappearing from the internet before their very eyes. Shebastjk, the blogger responsible for the “Alison Krauss=Yoko Ono” comment, was told by Jahfin: “You sound like a selfish 8 year old that needs to grow the fuck up and just accept the reality of the situation.” To which ZeppelinIsGodToMe-My Life responded: “You sound like a prissy bitch…”, continuing in this vein for some paragraphs. Then suddenly ZeppelinIsGodToMe-My Life appears to stop and take a deep breath, before writing: “Sorry for the looser geek fanboy reponse i just typed, i ended up giving you the whole deal. by the way i cried when i was writing the end of that last paragraph, thinking of how magical and tremendous it would be if I was at any LZ concert, thats how sad/grateful i am about zeppelin and whats been recently happening. Thank You Mr. Page, Bonham, Jones and Plant. You’ve changed my life in certain ways and i don’t know what it’d be like without you…”

After all that, we’re exhausted. One final word from the Mirror:

“However it is rumoured Led Zeppelin may play a small number of shows, including New York’s Madison Square Garden and possibly Glastonbury.”

And up we go again!!!

Scroll down for even more hilarity, in that Michael Jackson may tour again, for all the right reasons (enormous debt) and Ringo Starr makes bizarre comments about Amy Winehouse, Pete Doherty, and vegetables, for no apparent reason.

And it was good.

A “pal “of Amy Winehouse’s has tipped Smart off as to her management’s plans to send the singer to rehab in Israel, not just because she’s Jewish but because they’ve found a rehab centre that runs a one-week course and think they can convince the singer to go because of its brevity.

Seriously folks, I can’t make this shit up.

If you like British rock, schedenfreude, or drugs, you should be reading the Guardian music section online. Then you’d see many gems like this one: Housewarming with Amy and Pete

“Your husband’s in prison, tour’s been cancelled and you’re crippled by drug addiction. What’s the last thing you need?”

Um, a poke in the eye with a big stick?

“A 4am visit from Pete Doherty”.

Oh yes, apparently Crackhead Pete (a moniker we say with love) showed up at Amy Winehouse’s new flat with dirty fingernails and left at 9 AM. Everything else is just speculation.

You can also play a game that I used to play at my old office, called “Guess who got arrested today?” I’m sure you can figure out the answer, all my interns always did.